Go and find Her
by oldmule
Summary: Post 5.5 and how things might have been slightly different. Fluff for Lady J.
1. Chapter 1

**Post 5.5, the alternative ending. Largely because it's raining in Mauritius!

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He watched the boat until it merged into the horizon.

His heart sank as surely as if the boat had vanished beneath the waves. And yet she was safe. She was safe and secure. She was away from the perils of Maudsley. She was also away from him. He thought of the grid without her, he thought of his life without her. She had not even made it out of Greater London and yet he missed her, he missed her like he missed a part of him, he missed her more than he could have ever imagined, not that he'd ever imagined it, she had always been there and now she wasn't. Nor would she be again. He wanted to tell her how he felt and now he never could., though he would say it in his heart over and over, every day.

How had they come to this?

How had they been so close and now literally so far apart?

* * *

"Harry."

"Harry!"

No response.

"Harry, please."

Finally he roused himself, and looked up from his desk.

"I've found one of the members of the committee."

"What?"

"Cotterdam, I've got the member from Special Branch, he's willing to testify that there was no MI5 section D involvement at the committee."

"Adam, say that again."

"We can prove 'Fox' didn't exist, that Maudsley was manipulating the report."

"Ruth?"

"Yes, Harry, we can prove Ruth was in the clear."

"But we've said she's dead. I've identified her."

"You were upset, you were overwrought, you were mistaken. Harry we can get Ruth back."

"Get her back?"

"Yes, Harry, we can get her back. You can have her back."

"When?"

"Now Harry, go and find her."


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry but in short chapter mode.**

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"Where's Harry?" asked Ros.

"Grand gesture," said Jo smiling.

"What do you mean, grand gesture?"

"He's gone to get the girl."

"Jo, kindly tell me what the hell you're talking about," Ros had run out of patience.

"He's gone to find Ruth, to bring her back."

"Oh my god, what is it with that woman?" Ros could clearly not see the attraction of Ruth, the draw of Ruth and especially this strange fixation that half the men in the office seemed to have with her. And Jo come to think of it.

"He loves her, it's obvious Ros, you know that."

"Do I?"

"Yes, you do, even though you couldn't give a damn. Well you should, you were the one who gave her up to Maudsley. Gave her up when she hadn't even done anything wrong."

Yes, alright, thank you. I've said I'm sorry."

"No, you haven't.."

"No I haven't. I don't do sorry."

"Well the rest of us do and the rest of us are sorry for Ruth and even more sorry for Harry. For god sakes's look at him, he's bereft."

"He needs to move on."

"It's taken him this long to move on to Ruth, what chance does he stand with anyone else?"

"Then he needs to learn to be alone."

"No that's just you, Ros. What Harry needs is Ruth and what she needs is him, not exile in some foreign land."

"Oh whatever," said Ros and stalked towards the pods, tired of the conversation and tired of the whole Harry Ruth fixation that the grid seemed to be infested with.

"Last of the romantics," Jo muttered under her breath. She knew better.


	3. Chapter 3

Harry waited at the docks. He seemed to be making a habit of it. The ship was due in the next hour, he had been there for two already.

Ruth sat on the ship, packing her meagre few things back into her small, cloth bag. She was sick of ships. She felt like one of the containers on its manifest. Except she was empty.

He could see it on the horizon, getting ever bigger, quite a contrast to the one he had watched her disappear on. There was only one thing on board of which he had any interest, it was probably the smallest piece of cargo but for him the most precious.

Ruth had changed ships twice, travelling under a Cypriot passport and now she was finally reaching her destination. She was sure it was very nice, beautiful in fact. Any other time she would have been delighted to visit but the fact that she had to come here, the simple fact that she could not go home, made home the only place she wanted to be. That and him.

He wondered how he would tell her, whether he should just blurt it out, whether he should kiss her first, whether it would be appropriate to begin where they had ended, or whether a hug would be better. Whatever he would see her, touch her, hear her soon now…very soon.

She stood waiting for the walkway to be lowered. And the only thing she could think of was how hard it had been to start this journey and yet how easy it had been to kiss him. After all that had gone before, all their awkwardness, all her timidity, all their dancing round each other. When it had come down to that moment, seeing the look in his eye as he so wanted to tell her how he felt, when it came down to it, it was the easiest thing in the world to kiss Harry Pearce. The hard part was stopping and knowing it would never happen again.

He stood by the wall, in the shadows, away from the glare of the sun and he saw her. Standing there by the rail of this enormous ship, this tiny, lost, beautiful figure whom he thought he would never see again. And he smiled.

She stepped down on to terra firma for the first time in a week. Her land legs would certainly need time to kick in. She looked around and wondered where to go, what to do, how to begin to start a new life.

He stepped forward, his heart beating, the image of her salving the soreness of his eyes.

She stepped forward, determined to do something. A café. A cup of tea, there that's a start, first decision made.

He watched her as she looked from side to side. He didn't move.

She started to walk away.

And when it came to it he couldn't step out of the shadows.

She moved away from the docks as he stood behind wandering how it could be that he had flown all this way and then did not know what to say to her.


	4. Chapter 4

She would have given anything for a good cup of earl grey, maybe it was something else she was going to have to learn to live without. Maybe she should make a list. Cats, decent tea, Tariq's grin, Adam's smile, Jo's jokes, Malcolm's crossword, her choir, the snow, reading on the top deck of the bus, the view from the roof of Thames House and him, always him.

After tea and a salad came what? She had no idea. She had no job, nowhere to stay, she had money and a passport. She could, she should, make her way into town but yet she found it difficult to leave the sea, as though being near it was still like being nearer to him.

She found herself by the harbour wall. There were two men in the distance trying to pull a small boat out of the water and up a slipway. She sat on the wall and swung her legs over the side, the sea beneath her. Her attention was focused on the complicated procedure far to her left.

Her thoughts wandered. She thought about what they were doing on the grid right now, if there was someone sitting at her desk, if he was missing her, if he was missing her like she was missing him. And she wondered about the fairness of it all, that it had taken this to make them come together before ripping them apart.

"Nice day for it."

There was a man sitting next to her, a man who looked like Harry, his voice sounded like Harry, he smelt like Harry.

"Harry?' she said.

"Hello, Ruth."

"Hi."

He swung his legs over the wall, he was wearing some light coloured cargo trousers and a pale pink polo shirt.

"How…..why…?"

"I told you I'd be lost without you."

"Harry why are you doing this?"

"I needed to see you, to talk to you, to explain things."

"No, Harry, I can't. You can't do this," and she began to swing herself round, back to the roadway.

"But Ruth, you don't understand."

"Don't make me do this again, it was hard enough the first time. You shouldn't have come." And she was running away.

"Ruth," he called and this time made sure he didn't let her go.

He caught her arm and her bag fell to the floor.

"You have to listen to me."

"It's not fair, Harry, please just let me go."

'No," he said firmly and backed her several paces back until she was pinned against the side wall of the harbour office.

He was in front of her, close to her, his hands gripping her arms, his face in her face.

"What do you want from me?" she asked in a plaintive, lost voice, as she wondered if she could survive saying goodbye to him again.

He was about to tell her but he found himself kissing her instead. Hard and strong, her head back against the wall, he pushed against her and she resisted, she tried to turn her face away, she tried to save herself the pain but in the end she didn't care about the pain to come, for this moment in time she decided she didn't care about all that she would have to face without him she only cared about his lips against hers and the need she felt for him. She stopped struggling and for several moments they were lost in a kiss the two of them had thought about since the day she left.

""Ruth, I've come to take you home," was, in the end, all he said.

"But…"

"There is no but. Adam's got a committee member to testify that there was no one from Section D in that meeting, Malcolm has proved without doubt that the footage of you pushing Maudsley was faked, Zaf has persuaded the woman on the tube to rescind her testimony…

"And you?" asked Ruth,

"Me, well, I'm here," he said simply.

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**Bit more to come of the fluffy variety**


	5. Chapter 5

"Home?"

"Home."

"But I'm dead."

"I've told the DG."

"Told him what?"

"Told him we were protecting the life of an innocent officer by faking her death."

"But I'm still dead, officially."

"Well he's going to see the Home Secretary and make you undead."

"Ruth Evershed, the undead," she said and laughed.

"Dead, or alive, Ruth, I don't want to be without you again."

She smiled at him.

"When can we go home?" she asked. He liked the 'we'.

"Tomorrow, I've got us passage."

"Not another bloody boat."

"No, a military flight, tomorrow afternoon."

"Thank you, Harry."

"So, we've got the rest of the day, fancy some sightseeing and dinner?"

"I can't believe it."

"Believe it, Ruth."

"Yes, let's, why not. It may not be the grand tour, but it's something." Her eyes sparkled.

"Yes," said Harry, "it's a start," Ruth wasn't sure what he meant it was the start of but whatever she was happy to go with the thought.

"Let's drop your bag off and then we can head off," he suggested.

"Drop it where?"

"I've booked a room, well, two rooms, for us, near here, my things are there already."

And so they went and checked Ruth into the small hotel and they headed out to see the sights.

As they walked along he felt her hand in his, it did not linger long, but it was there and it squeezed his and was gone.

They stood and gazed across a large mosaic Roman floor, still partially intact. Both were seemingly absorbed in the history of their surroundings, secretly both were thinking about the other.

"Ruth?"

"Yes Harry."

"Can I say it yet, that thing, that should be left unsaid?"

"Not yet, Harry, but soon, maybe one morning, early one morning."

Harry hoped to god that she meant what he thought she meant.

"Okay, Ruth."

And they looked with even greater concentration at the ruins.


	6. Chapter 6

The Taverna overlooked the sea. If Harry had tried to find anywhere more romantic he would have failed, as it was he had spent several hours that morning searching for somewhere that would suffice, this was most certainly it.

"Oh, Harry, this is beautiful," said Ruth.

"Do you think so? That's good, I just stumbled upon it by accident this morning."

Ruth smiled and Harry smiled.

"So, how's your first and only night in exile?" he asked.

"Very promising," was her answer.

They turned to their food.

As they ate Harry's mood darkened a little, Ruth was aware of it almost at once.

"What is it?" she asked.

"I was just thinking about what you'd done, you shouldn't have done it Ruth, you should have let me…"

"What carry on glassing people?"

"He deserved it."

"Yes, well I dare say he did."

They sat for a moment and said nothing.

"It's always about sacrifice, what we do," he said pensively.

"Sometimes it's necessary, Harry."

"I've seen so many sacrifice their lives, though" he said, "there's so much we're willing to die for, almost too eager to die for; colleagues, civilians, freedom, queen and country. After all these years I'm beginning to see that that's the easy thing, the thing we do without hesitation. What's harder, but what's infinitely more important, is finding something to live for…someone to live for."

He looked at her with deep, soulful eyes and for once she held his gaze but she couldn't think of a thing to say.

The waiter arrived with another bottle of wine and broke the moment.

Ruth waited until he had gone.

"I have trouble disassociating you, the you I'm having dinner with, from the you that's my boss?"

"And is that a problem?"

"It was before, yes," they both knew she was referring to Malcolm's enthusiastic response to their last ill fated dinner date.

"Okay, Ruth. Who were you kissing today up against the wall?"

"You?" she glanced away shyly.

"Me, which me?"

"You, Harry…the..," she struggled for the right term, in the end she took in down to basics, "the….man."

He smiled, "glad you noticed."

She blushed.

"And who are you having dinner with?"

"The man."

"And when you're back on the grid who's office will you barge into unannounced?"

"Yours….the boss," she smiled.

"And if before you leave that office your boss comes in search of a kiss, what will you do?"

"Sue for sexual harassment."

Harry laughed loudly and several people turned from their dinners.

"Fine, well that's sorted then, Ruth. So where's the confusion?"

"I don't know," she said smiling, "it's just strange. What will the others think?"

"The others have just watched the two of us battling to get locked up for the sake of the other, I think they've kind of figured out what's going on. In fact I hear that before all this Zaf was running a book on when we'd get together."

"No!"

"Yes."

Ruth looked somewhere between mildly amused and furious. Then she smiled worryingly.

"What have you just come up with, Ruth?" Harry said warily.

"Revenge," she said, "when we get back we could give them the idea that nothing has changed, get Zaf's odds to lengthen, put a big bet on via Jo and then I could kiss you, or throw you over your desk, or something and we win and wipe Zaf out completely – that'd teach him."

Harry sat smiling, "sorry Ruth I'm sure it's a cunning plan but I stopped listening at 'throw me over my desk.'" The look in his eye stopped Ruth in her tracks and she resorted to a large drink of wine.

"You know what I meant," she muttered.

"All I know is that you seem to be coping admirably with associating the man with the boss."

"Maybe it's not as difficult as I thought."

"Maybe you just need to keep working on it."

They smiled and looked out to sea.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for all reviews - much appreciated, truly.**

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They walked back towards the hotel. Harry didn't want to push her, they were making progress, they were talking, he didn't want to spoil anything, so as much as he wanted to put his arm around her waist, he instead put his hands in his pockets and tried to look considerably more casual than he felt.

Ruth was conscious of his hand close to hers, she was about to reach out and take it when it disappeared into his pocket. So instead she placed her hand in the crook of his arm and tried to watch his face out of the corner of her eye. She thought she caught the smallest of smiles.

He felt her hand slide through his arm and he tried not to smile, but failed.

Their conversation became more and more sparse as with each step they got closer to their rooms and the moment both of them were anticipating.

They were outside Ruth's door now.

What should he say, what should he do?

She should say something? She should invite him in?

He kissed her delicately, gently on the lips, neither lingering, nor fleeting and then he looked at her.

"Thank you for coming for me," she said.

"I'd come for you anytime," he said genuinely.

And then they both become horribly, painfully aware of the innuendo of their words.

"Goodnight Harry."

"Goodnight."

And with that they were both back in their own rooms wishing that sometimes they'd just manage not to say anything.

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Harry stood, unbuttoning his blue shirt, looking out of his window at the moonlight on the sea. There was a small knock upon his door. He tried not to hope.

He opened the door.

There she stood, eyes bright and searching, hoping that neither of them would ruin the moment by just being them.

He stood looking at her, drinking her in.

They were standing on the edge, knowing the precipice was before them, knowing they were heading for something, drawn irrevocably towards it.

He leant slowly forward and took her hand and pulled her gently into the room letting her pass him as he slowly shut the door. He turned to her, standing willingly in the middle of his room. He stroked her face tenderly and inch by inch he eased closer to her until she could feel his breath on her face and then his lips brushed her cheek, slid to her ear, her neck and back slowly, so slowly to find her lips. Her hands found the skin beneath his shirt and slid up his back, her nails softly grazing him as they went.

And they knew that they were both stepping over the edge of the precipice and it was the most wonderful feeling of falling into a place they both dreamed to be.

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**One more chapter and an epilogue to come, I think.**


	8. Chapter 8

"Ruth….Ruth."

She was in a deep sleep, why was he waking her up?

"What?" she said sleepily.

"Ruth…I.."

"What time is it?"

"Four."

"Four o'clock in the morning?"

"Yes."

"Harry, what's wrong?" he was worrying her now.

"I love you, Ruth."

"Oh,"

"You said I could tell you early in the morning."

"I could have waited another three hours."

"Sorry."

They lay side by side.

"Harry, have you been awake long?"

"I never really went to sleep."

"Why?"

"I was wondering what time was considered still night and when it became early morning."

"And you concluded it was four am?"

"Yes."

"Is that all you've thought about in all that time?"

"No, I was thinking about love."

"Go on, you might as well, I'm awake now."

"Well, I was wondering how it could be that a man could reach his fifties and still not know what it was to love someone. I mean, I have loved…Jane, Juliet, others, several others…but they were mixtures of need, lust, passion, yes and love but I thought that was it, I thought loving them was the same as being in love with them. And now at fifty something I know it's not. It's not the slightest bit similar. I know, that for the first time in my life I am in love with someone, deeply, irrevocably, unselfishly in love and I wonder why it has taken this long and why I couldn't have met you when I was twenty five."

"Because I'd have been ten and that's illegal, Harry."

He smiled and turned to her, his head resting on the pillow, facing hers.

"Okay thirty five," he suggested.

"I think I prefer you as you are now."

"What over the hill?"

"No, I think the more 'mature' you," she said it with a smile, "is probably more tender, more patient and less gung ho than the younger version."

"Maybe gung ho was what we needed Ruth."

"Maybe, but we've got there in the end," she said and wound her legs around his.

He smiled.

"Are you hoping that I'll tell you that I love you back?" she whispered.

"Only if you want to, Ruth."

"I don't want to."

"That's okay," he said, bereft.

"I only want to tell you that I'm in love with you. Deeply, irrevocably, unselfishly. And I'm sorry too that we've wasted time but now we know and there's no going back."

"No doubts?" he asked tentatively.

"Not a single one."

He kissed her, he inhaled her, he wished he could envelop her and hold her to him and never let anything separate them again.

"There's only one problem," she added when she could get her lips free of him.

"What's that?"

"I think my boss might have something to say about it."

"Don't worry about him, I think he loves you nearly as much as I do."

"Surely that's not possible."

"Everything's possible, Ruth."

And he kissed her again.

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**Epilogue to come**


	9. Chapter 9

**This was going to be the epilogue but I liked it and so it's a chapter - the last. The real epilogue will definitely follow this!

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"Welcome back," said Malcolm genuinely and hugged her.

"Shortest exile in living memory," said Adam as he kissed her cheek.

"You don't look bad for a dead bird," grinned Zaf.

"Oh, Ruth," said Jo and hugged her for a long time.

Ros grunted something and left to meet an asset.

Harry stood alongside.

"If everyone's quite finished, is there any chance of getting some work done?" and with that he was off to his office.

Adam looked at Ruth, "so turned up like a knight in shining armour did he?"

"No, turned up and said that if I'd finished cruising around the med, I was needed back at work," answered Ruth seriously.

"You're joking?" said a very disappointed Jo.

"What, was that it? No romantic gesture?" dared Zaf.

"No, why should there have been!" bristled Ruth and went off to her desk.

They all decided to leave it. It had not gone at all as they had expected.

"Normality reigns, then," muttered Adam.

"I give up," moaned Zaf, "if that didn't do it nothing will."

"Ruth!" shouted Harry from his office. She picked up her notebook, raising her eyebrows in a frustrated gesture to the rest of them.

They watched through the window as Ruth sat and Harry paced waving his hands and occasionally pointing a finger at her. Her head was down. He flicked his hand dismissively and without a word she returned to her desk.

"Think I should have stayed away," muttered Ruth.

Jo and Zaf shared a look of sympathy as Ruth picked up her bag and headed off the grid, "just going for a coffee," she said, eyes lowered.

"What are your odds now then, Zaf?" asked Jo.

"Back out to fifties, I'd say after that little performance."

"I'll have a punt."

"You sure you want to waste your money?"

"Let's face it, it's Harry and Ruth, anything's possible."

"The only thing I'd say is possible, is that she packs up and goes back to Cyprus," said Zaf.

"Tenner, then," as Jo brandished the note before him.

"Your loss."

Ruth came back with two cups of coffee, one she left by her desk the other she carried across the grid.

"Time for coffee?" said Jo.

"Oh, I think so," said Ruth and kept going for Harry's office.

"Probably going to throw it in his face," suggested Zaf.

"Harry, it's that time," said Ruth.

"What time?"

"Time to merge the man and the boss."

"Ruth, what are you doing?"

She had begun to loosen his tie.

Jo looked at Zaf, "well I don't know what she's doing, but if she is going to throw it in his face, she must want to keep his tie clean."

Zaf sat slightly opened mouthed.

"Not that this isn't enjoyable but why are you removing my tie?"

"It's just something I need to do."

"Ruth, has this got anything to do with me or am still just I a pawn in your game of revenge?"

"Oh, revenge Harry, but with definite bonuses," she said as she pushed him in the chest and he sat heavily on his desk.

"It's getting nasty in there," said Zaf.

"What's going on," asked Adam crossing to his desk and following their eyelines to the office.

"We're just about to find out, I'd say," smiled Jo.

Ruth stepped forward, her hand grabbing him around the neck. She parted his knees and stepped between them and pulled his head to hers and kissed him passionately, pressing herself to him.

The three faces on the grid were all open mouthed.

"Blimey," said Zaf.

"Sly old dog," said Adam.

"Go Ruth" said Jo.

"Oh, get a room" moaned Ros as she returned.

Jo held her hand out.

"What?" said Zaf.

"Five hundred,"

"What?" said Adam.

"Tenner at fifty to one, pay up loser."

"Mug," Ros sat down.

"This isn't proof," Zaf muttered.

"Are you sure?" asked Adam nodding back to the window.

Harry had got the upper hand as he spun Ruth around and laid her back across his desk.

"For god's sake, pay up quick and let's get out of here before we have to witness any more proof" said Ros deciding to leave.

"She's right, let's sort it out in the George," agreed Adam.

"There's a cash machine on the way," smirked Jo.

"Bloody hell," said Zaf and followed them out.

Jo tried to catch Ruth's eye to let her know the deal was sown up but Ruth's attention lay elsewhere. She decided to leave.

Malcolm walked back in from the forgery suite and looked around at the empty grid. Then he looked in the office. He smiled and looked quickly away. Time to go home, he thought.

"Ruth?"

"Yes."

"Is there any chance you might sue me for sexual harassment?"

"Yes, Harry. But only if you stop."


	10. Epilogue

**Epilogue - yes really, this time!

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"Five hundred quid, I can't believe it."

Just hand it over Zaf," said Adam, "fair dos to Jo."

Jo's hand was outstretched once more.

"Give it up, smiling boy," said Ros. They were all still surprised she had joined them in the pub.

Zaf reluctantly handed the money over. "Either you're very lucky or you have insider information that the rest of us weren't privy to."

"You just don't like to lose, Zaf."

Jo began counting the money.

"It's all there, don't worry."

Adam smiled, "Drinks are on Jo then."

"No Adam drinks are on me," said Ruth and sat down. She looked at Jo and held out her hand, the wad of cash was transferred from one woman to the other.

"Actually," said Ruth, "drinks are on Zaf."

"I knew this was a set up," he moaned and then with great animation he said, "wait a minute was that all just one big performance to get the cash?"

"If it was, I say encore," said Harry and he sat down, his hand trailing across Ruth's back and settling on her waist. It was a move not unnoticed by Section D.

"We're having champagne," announced Ruth.

"Fantastic," said Adam.

"What are we celebrating?" asked Ros.

"Besides fleecing me," Zaf was still not happy.

Ruth smiled, "we're celebrating…

"Us," said Harry and his eyes never left Ruth and he thought they never would again.

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The end. Hope you liked.


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